tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3528207770797223309.post6631824887349358323..comments2023-11-05T05:00:58.882-05:00Comments on - Author in Progress -: Just Keep Swimming! (The sharks are vegans.)Korihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11608071085947734931noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3528207770797223309.post-78804246175062386552009-05-20T13:56:43.915-04:002009-05-20T13:56:43.915-04:003)Eversong: love love love the dream. What a great...3)Eversong: love love love the dream. What a great way to let everyone know off the bat: this is no ordinary girl; great things are coming for her. I also love the first line of her diary entry. I stumbled a little in the second paragraph--not b/c I don't like the information, b/c I think it's great and makes her relatable to other struggling twenty-somethings, but b/c ... I'm not sure. Maybe just a little lengthy or something? You pulled me back in at paragraph 3 when you introduced her father. I can tell they're close, and I like it. I also like that you automatically show how independent she is: she has her father, and he is the only man she needs in her life. Which leads me to believe she certainly doesn't fall over hand in foot and need someone else to complete her. She can do all of that on her own, thankyouverymuch. Nice start, and I already get the sense that i'm going to like this Vicky (hell, I definitely like her music!)<br /><br />4)Michief and Murder: I have to be honest--if I picked up the back cover and saw that it was a book about some old rat, I'd probably either (a) say what? weird, not my thing, or (b) say huh? that's strange. let's see what it's all about. If (a), I'd stick it back on the shelf. If (b), I'd open it and be thrilled to file such an intriguing intro paragraph. I would probably be thinking, "Okay ... so is this really about a rat? And if so, are we talking teenage mutant ninja turtle-sized rat (whatever his name was), or tiny, run-the-sewer-type-of-rat?" The point is, though, that I would be thinking. And I don't like my questions to go unanswered. So I would read to the next paragraph. So long as the transition to his sixteenth year hooked me, I'd be a rat fan ... and it does. I love the scream to Riley in the second paragraph. I love that he has to put down the flower he's admiring (although I'm left to picture, again, what size rat are we talking here?), b/c it lets me know that Riley is the type of person who stops to smell the roses (metaphorically and literally, perhaps) ... or stops to eat the roses, which I suppose is a possibility. (What the heck do rats eat?) And OMGF, I laughed out loud at the military rat reference. Riley seems comical, and his story like a coming-of-age bit that people (yes, real people) can relate to. Who hasn't felt inadequate compared to other friends or family at some point in time? I can't wait to see what Riley does to become "special," and the title leads itself to that suspense. <br /><br />If this is you at your worst (and by worst, I mean in first draft form), then I'm quite impressed. I'd definitely read more, especially if I had a good intro combined with a nice back cover to tell me a little bit about where all of the characters are headed. (fyi: I think Riley's intro paragraph could also serve as a nice snippet for a back cover, but that's just me ...)<br /><br />No time to proofread as I have to get back to court now, so I hope it all makes sense. <br /><br />(I commented back after your comment on my swimming blog, fyi. Don't think I can include the link in the comment section, though ...)JESSJORDANhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08915521022827231804noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3528207770797223309.post-73752109545329168392009-05-20T13:56:32.301-04:002009-05-20T13:56:32.301-04:00Yes, Jess is good w/me. You tell me what you prefe...Yes, Jess is good w/me. You tell me what you prefer--omi/amy/amber, b/c I'm not picky. :)<br /><br />1) I'm at work so I had to read through it quickly, but w/respect to Sorrow: I actually really love the image you put in my head in the first 2 lines--2 sisters, huddled in their crumbling home, very young and terrified, clinging to false promises of one of the sisters. And when one was taken, it broke my heart. I think you definitely have a start to something there. I will admit, their names were so very confusing to me--not b/c of them being uncomming, but b/c of them both being so similar. I had to keep looking back to see who was who and who was taken and who was not. I was confused by the change to the character "Phantom," but part of that is b/c my brain is on shut down mode from spending the last 3 hours in court. <br /><br />2) Perfect: ahh, a rich bitch. Who would suspect her? Love that, especially if she's killing at random, eliminating people w/no relation to her (or perhaps she has a method, but it still would be quite difficult to connect it back to her, who knows ...) I love that in the first 250 or so words, we already know she's committed 2 murders. And she loves it ... which means more are coming. I found the last paragraph a little jarring/out of place, and I don't think you need it--I'd rather see her do things, like step into her huge bathrub, put on a cashmere robe, chat on the phone to her bubbleheaded friends ... things like that to show me that she's a paris hilton-type. But nice start. You could have something there.<br /><br />See next post for the rest, b/c it cut me off at some measly 4, 096 characters. Lame!JESSJORDANhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08915521022827231804noreply@blogger.com